the Quiet...

--The days are long but the years are short.

In five years of being a Mother, it is safe to say I have experienced my share of long days. Some were the kind of days you wished would never end. Some were spent waiting for the sound of Daddy's footsteps coming through the back door. At this moment, I am wishing those days, both the good and the challenging, had been longer. All too clearly I can see how the ending of that quote is just as true as the beginning: the years are short.

It is midnight. As I sit here in the quiet of my office, my babies are upstairs fast asleep. Daddy retired a few hours ago and Hershey was not far behind him. The house is eerily quiet except for the sound of my thoughts going round and round in my head. In a few short hours, day will break and a new routine will unfold. Tomorrow morning after breakfast is eaten and lists are checked (for the tenth time), my baby boy will begin a new adventure. An adventure we have been working toward for 5.5 years: Kindergarten.

There is a conversation that stands out vividly in my mind about this very day: the first day of Kindergarten. Three and half years ago, we were in the throws of multiple therapies, much worry and too many unanswered questions to count. Things were uncertain then and I was desperate to learn anything I could learn to help my son. At the time, J had a wonderful Occupational Therapist named Mrs. Sue. Bless her heart, I think I hit her with 121 questions any time she was within arms length of me. In my mind, I needed her 20 years of OT experience and I needed it YESTERDAY! Nothing was going to stop me from helping my baby. One afternoon, during one of my Mrs. Sue drill sessions, I was desperate for answers. I knew they were answers she couldn't give but I asked them anyway in hope that one day she might have an answer. Her lasting words went something like this...

"Mommy, you are doing everything you can possibly do to help your baby. It doesn't matter what he does when he's two. It matters what he does on the first day of Kindergarten. That's when it counts..."

I know our conversation went on for a long time that afternoon but those few lines are what I remember most. For so long, I found comfort in her words. Tonight, not so much. Back then, Kindergarten was later. Much much later. Tonight, Kindergarten is not later. It is tomorrow. So, in the words of Mrs. Sue, tomorrow is "when it counts". I can't help but wonder if I, if we, have done enough to prepare him for this day. Only time will reveal the answer.

There are many Kindergarten parents who will walk into J's new school tomorrow. They will all greet the teacher, hang backpacks in the cubbies and take the obligatory first day of school photo. They will scan the room for other little boys and girls and encourage their child to make new friends. They will see J as an ordinary little boy on his first day of school but that is not at all what I will see...

I will see a little boy who is extraordinary in so many ways. I will remember the odds he has beaten and the professionals he proved wrong. I will reminisce about where he has been and contemplate where he's going. I will remind myself how hard we all have worked to reach this milestone. I will tell him through held back tears, he is strong and sweet and smart and brave, for the one millionth time in his life. Most importantly, I will remind myself that God is in control. His plans for this child are bigger and wider and deeper than anything I can imagine. I believe it with all of my heart.

Who knows what Kindergarten may bring our way. I think that is the part that scares me most...the unknown. We are going to take this one day at a time and see where this journey takes us. I desperately want to be there to protect him. The reality is I am not the One in control to begin with. Please pray for J as he transitions to big boy school and for Mommy and Daddy, mostly Mommy, as we step back and give him the opportunity to shine.