Daydreaming...

Do you ever find yourself daydreaming about a place you've never been? A deserted beach in Hawaii? An Alaskan cruise? A castle in England? I know I have in the past. These days I find myself daydreaming about one of those places. A country that will soon allow us the privilege of parenting one of it's daughters.

I find myself staring intently at the Asian man in the checkout line at Publix. I've restrained myself from stopping a complete stranger in Target to ask 21 questions about the child in the buggy. Every Sunday at church I pass a little girl adopted from China and resist the temptation to grab her and never let her go. She brings tears to my eyes every time I pass her in the hallway. I know this probably sounds strange to most of you but through them I find a connection to our daughter.

More than daydreaming about China, I find myself daydreaming about us IN China. I think about how amazing it will feel to land in the birth country of our daughter. How majestic it will be to climb the Great Wall. How strange it will feel to experience the culture shock of the language, the food, etc. It will be an experience I know we will never forget.

More than any of these things, I daydream most about the day I will hold MH in my arms. I remember the first moment I held J and MG as if it happened only seconds ago. I know the day MH joins our family will be equally as glorious. I believe at this very moment we have a daughter living in an orphanage on the other side of the world. I knew that would be a difficult reality. As we grow closer to referral I find myself daydreaming most about who is loving her. When she is hungry, who feeds her? When she is happy, who praises her giggles? When she cries in the night, does anyone hear her? Do they rush to calm her fears or do they turn a deaf ear.

I was up last night comforting MG in the wee hours of the morning. As I swayed in the darkness holding her tightly, I whispered the words I have always whispered to my children... "Shhhh, Mommy's here". I desperately wish the next time our daughter cries in that lonely orphanage in rural China, I could be the one to whisper those words in her ear. "Shhhh MH, Mommy's here. Everything is going to be OK." By next fall, it is our hope that my daydreams are no longer dreams but reality. Please, God, let them be our reality.

To my precious MH...

There will come a day when you read the words I have written about our family. I want you to know so many things but for now this is the most important. While your life goes on without us, before we know the shape of your face or the sound of your laugh, before I hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear, you are our daughter. You have always been our daughter. From the very beginning of time. Just as I waited for your brother and sister to join our family, I wait for you. Just as I prayed for their future over an ever growing tummy, I pray for yours with hand over heart. Just as I daydreamed about their smile and their personalities, I daydream of yours. For now I will love you from afar until the time comes for me to hold you in my arms. Once that amazing day arrives I promise you I will never be far from your side.

love,
your Mommy