Day 15: Goodbye China

Today is a bittersweet day as we prepare to leave the country of MeiMei's birth. This afternoon we will attend the Swearing In Ceremony at the United States Consulate. We will raise our right hands and swear that all information we have provided has been true and accurate. It is hard to believe all of the paperwork, signatures, notaries and logistics over the past 18 months culminates into one five minute ceremony. Soon after we will receive MeiMei's VISA and board a train bound for Hong Kong to begin our long journey home.

There is part of me that is overjoyed by the mere thought of going home but the other part of me is overwhelmingly burdened. Yes, we love MeiMei. Yes, we are her parents in every way that truly matters. Yes, we believe she was chosen to be our daughter before He spoke the world into motion but we recognize the realities of adoption. We are bringing her home to a sea of unfamiliar territory. Everything will be different to her. Everything. Sights, sounds, smells, faces...all of it...unfamiliar.

MeiMei continues to mourn the loss of her foster family and she has every right to continue for as long as need be. She has been taken from all she has ever known and I will not make light of that fact nor will I pretend that I am content with the situation. Quite frankly, this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I am heartbroken but this isn't about me. It is about HER and that's just part of being a Mommy--putting your child's needs above your own even when it hurts. I have reminded myself many times over the past week how heartbroken Wild Man or Little Miss would be if they were taken from us. The situation is different--her foster family was temporary--but she didn't know that. To her they were her family which makes me wonder if our arms...no, make that MY arms...will ever be enough. I will pray for the rest of my days that despite significant loss and many unanswered questions that somehow our love, and more importantly His love, will be enough.

As a Mother, I can't say I completely understand how so many of China's children are abandoned but after being here, after seeing all we have seen over the past 15 days, I understand now more than ever. We are forever changed by what our eyes have seen. The children we have met. The conditions people live. The policies that make it nearly impossible to parent more than one child. The glares and attitudes toward children with visible special needs. The obvious difference between the "new China" in Beijing and the "old China" in Guangzhou. How can anyone see this and NOT be forever changed?

As we leave today I can't help but think about her birth mother. I will never know the woman who made the unfathomable decision which in turn gave us our daughter. Did she love her? Does she think about her? Does she wonder if she was found? Does she wonder if she someone was able to help her? Does she think she is still in the orphanage? These are all questions I contemplate knowing someday MeiMei will wonder the same. I wish there was some way I could tell her of our love and commitment to MeiMei but that opportunity is not ours.

I have so many thoughts running through my head but not enough time to put it all into words. The past 15 days has been amazing, overwhelming, humbling and unbelievable in so many ways. This has been a once in a lifetime opportunity for us to receive a gift like no other--a blessing orchestrated straight from the hands of God. A seed planted within my heart years ago and the culmination of answered prayer for a little girl He chose for us to love for the rest of our days. Someday we will return to China. How soon and for what reason I am unsure but I know in my heart we will return. Goodbye for now China. Thank you for the gift you have entrusted to us. We will love, adore and cherish her always.