in southern China
somewhere between Guangzhou and Dongguan
a huge piece of it anyway
where we saw every day life through a different lens
with impoverished yet happy people
and babies cast aside without explanation
and children who need families to call their own
where I can't speak the language
or drive a car
or read a map
or eat a turkey sandwich
or drink a Dr. Pepper
or tolerate the heat
or see a familiar face
or hug my Mother
But you know what? As crazy as it sounds, I want to go back. Today... yesterday... the day before... the day before that... I have felt this way since we came home. At first I thought it was the jet lag or the difficult transition but six weeks later I still can't get these thoughts out of my head. Our days in Guangzhou were hard. SO. INCREDIBLY. HARD. So why in the world would I want to return? I don't know. I can't explain it. I am crazy. CRAZY! My eyes were opened to so much while we were away. I'm trying to figure out how to take these experiences and reintegrate myself back into this incredibly blessed world in which I live.
On more than one occasion I have said to my two oldest... "There are people--children just like you--who will go hungry tonight. Eat. Your. Dinner. " That's nothing out of the ordinary for me to say. I've said those words hundreds of times but it's different. Now I say it and want to run and hide in my closet. And cry. Because I saw it. Not on a commercial. Not in a book. I saw it with my own two eyes and I will never be the same. My lens has changed drastically. How do you keep living the suburban life and pretend you never saw what you saw? It's ironic how something so incredibly difficult can rearrange everything you THOUGHT you knew about yourself.
Now I'm not saying we're all packing up and moving to China (although I would be lying if I said I haven't thought about it). I'm just wondering if anyone else understands where I'm coming from? Anyone? ANYONE? Am I the only one on this deserted island or do I have some friends out there?
Monday, November 2, 2009
I left my heart...
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21 comments:
I do. I feel the same way about Holbrook, AZ. Rick and I spent Christmas there last year on a whim, and I cannot get it out of my head or my heart. Here it is Christmas again and I ache to go back. The abject poverty of the people there, Navajo, Hopi, Mexican and white alike, totally pulled at me in a way you just described. I want to send a Christmas card and a donation to the Holbrook Heritage Museum, which was struggling to stay open. The proprietor's wife, an Apache, was suffering from a brain tumor. She was so young. It kills me. And it moves me to teach AwesomeCloud about those in the world less fortunate than he is.
Oh we have GOT to have that play date/Mommy date!!!
I ask The Prez ALL.THE.TIME if the Lord has told him we are supposed to sell it all/pack up and move East (to China!). So far … no word from the Lord to The Prez. I would seriously go tomorrow.
Have you read "Dangerous Surrender" by Kay Warren? I highly recommend it. She says something in there, and it seems you've gotten it: "you are gloriously ruined for the kingdom" and unfortunately … or FORTUNATELY … you can never go back to the old you!
And FWIW, you'll probably be going back at least once I'd say. ;) This is how it all starts for #4 (in our cases). ;)))))
You are not alone. I have said to hubby numerous times how I want to go back to China and he agrees. How can it not change you? It is good not to live inside our safe little North American bubbles. It gives us heart and it gives our children heart. Our hard times would so not be hard times for so many others, who truly know what hard times are!
ME ME ME!!! I know exactly how you feel. I love China, I miss China, it is a huge part of me. I want to go back. My older son is moving there in 2 months as an exchange student for half a year and I am jealous.
You are so not alone. I remember feeling that way soon after we returned home too. Then I find myself getting complacent and get mad that I have been taking for granted all that we have here in this country. I get it my friend...hugs~
You are not alone.
I have been home with our daughter (another TCH alum) since the end of January and I still feel this way. My heart is in China, with the beautiful Chinese people that I grew to love.
It changed me in ways I still cannot fully explain. I long to go back and do something more. My husband and I pray about it often.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts and please know that you are not alone and you are not crazy :)
Erica
http://prayingforyouyou.blogspot.com
Oh, yes. I've been there, still am there. I've often thought of moving there....what a huge change of life for us all.
Cheri
Oh, yes. I've been there, still am there. I've often thought of moving there....what a huge change of life for us all.
Cheri
You are not alone on the flight home I wanted nothing than to be home with our other children.I missed China already and dream of going back. My husband and I both say we would love to move over there. I hope we can return for one more and if not then to take Makenna back one day. I miss China and think about going back everyday since we have been home.
Blessings,
Michelle
I get it. My babies are from different countries than your is but I felt that way with both of their adoptions.
Amen sister, been there, am there, and from now on you will never be the same and many people will never get you, but HE does and that is all that matter. What you have now is a perspective that is closer to the Father. Oh what He sees everyday.
Welcome to your new calling, which is to share what you have seen and now know, and so far you are doing excellent my friend!
Love,
Tammy J
My dear friend XiXi said adoptive parents can't wait to get to China, then they can't wait to get home but once they are home again they long for China. She explained it to me that when you adopt a chinese child, you are essentially adopting a part of China and it is now forever in your heart. She smiled at me and told me I am part American and now part Chinese. I love it....I believe it...and I long to go back on a daily basis.
I don't think you can go to China with your eyes open and not come home a changed person. You simply can't.
And I think for each of us the knowledge we gain while we're there works in us in different ways. Some of us go on to adopt more children, others start or support organizations that help the orphans still in orphanages, and some move to China for a season of their life.
I think all of the really special things in life leave you changed just by experiencing them, even if for just a short time.
What a beautiful post! I think it's impossible not to find your heart changed after being in China. So many times I wish we could go back and soak more of it all in. While we were there, we were obviously pre-occupied with our Maia. But I felt like I had left behind so much that I wanted to see and do. There was something captivating about the people, the places, the homeland of our baby. Who knows.......we might end up there someday together!
I get it and I'm right there with you. We will be traveling in 2010 for our 3rd adoption. And I don't know if it will be our last.....
What a beautiful post!!!
Yes, sister I get you. It is what God calls a burden for his people!!
I saw it in Guate... Brent lives it in Nicaragua yearly and our hearts are there!
I understand!! We're going back in just a few short days! We are adopting another little boy at TCH!!
Amy
i felt that way when i came home from a missions trip in Guatemala about 10 years ago. it took a looong time for me to get over my re-culture shock. i hated my job. i thought it was all so pointless when so many people were suffering and here we were playing hospital politics.
sadly, eventually....you gradually forget.
Looks like you're definitely not alone in feeling this. We do live in our safe bubbles here while REAL LIFE is happening in so many other places in the world. I have great memories of China (despite the hard) and would love to go back. Thought about moving there too. Want to go together (only half kidding?) Blessings, Kelly
Know how you feel. Have been back from China for 4 years now and this feeling of needing to be there has never left. Living in this beautiful suburb of Montreal is a great life and I am not complaining but my husband and I are on the same page, we are different forever and we will go back (waiting for daughter no. 3) and one day go back again just to go and help, visit, not adopt. Just pay forward. We need to.
Marie-Claude
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