A few days ago I was cornered into THE conversation. The one I try hard to avoid.
The one that usually begins in the presence of my children with "why".
Why adoption? Why international adoption? Why China? Why adopt when you can have children of your own?
From there it slowly moves toward the "what and how".
What is wrong with her? How do you fix that? What a lucky little girl she is...
Can I tell you how awkward this conversation is for me? With people who are genuinely interested in adoption, I am more than happy to share. Please hear me when I say this. If you want to talk adoption, I can talk adoption all week long. I can talk adoption until you no longer want to talk adoption. Seriously. Ask my husband. But with strangers? Stranger people who are simply being nosey or malicious, I want to plug my babies ears and tell them to stick it. In so many words. With a few not so nice words mixed in.
"What is wrong with your kid?"
"Does she speak HUMAN?"
"Why did you adopt one of THOSE kids?"
"Can you fix THAT so she will look normal?"
Each and every time these questions surface I am dumbfounded. Most of the time I spit out one of many scripted answers and we move on as quickly as possible. Other times I don't even know how to answer. I want to scoop up my children and run. I want to hide them from the world that awaits them. I want to hide her from the words of those people. Those people who only see her on the outside. The people who can't get past the almond eyes and the dark hair. The people who act as if her precious face is open for discussion. Guess what stranger people? It isn't!
So what's a Momma to do? I know. I know. I know I need to answer with kindness and grace but what I really want to do is punch them in the nose. Fiercely. With everything in me.
I want to shout and kick and scream and yell about their insensitive and hurtful comments.
I want to ask them if they would ask such questions about someone else's husband or friend in the middle of Target? Why is it any different when the questions are about a child?
I want to tell them that God's heart is to see children in families--children from China, Seattle, Guatemala, Africa, Houston, Russia, Atlanta or anywhere in between.
I want to tell them she is as much "my own" as the two that came before her.
I want to shout it at the top of my lungs...THERE. IS. NOTHING. WRONG. WITH. OUR. DAUGHTER! She is PERFECT just the way God made her on the day she was born! I want them to see her for the beautiful Mei Mei she is. Not by her hair or her eyes or her special need.
I want to make them understand that Mei Mei is not "lucky". WE are the ones who have been blessed by HER...not the other way around.
I want them to know we do NOT NEED THEIR APPLAUSE OR APPROVAL! Some seem to believe if they end their rude intrusive conversation with something like "Well, you are such a good person for taking care of her". WHAT? WE ARE NOT TAKING CARE OF HER! WE ARE NOT BABYSITTING! SHE IS OUR DAUGHTER PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!
So the next time someone asks me "Why?" I'm going to ask them the same... "Why do you want to know?" I'm ready to see someone else squirm their way out of that awkward conversation (instead of me). Someday Mei Mei will take her cues from us. If we tuck our tails and walk away we are teaching her she has something to be ashamed. Something we shouldn't talk about. That's not the case. Is Mei Mei adopted? No. Mei Mei WAS adopted. Big difference. Until the world begins to see it my way, the inner Mama Bear will be ready and waiting to pounce.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Why?
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8 comments:
That's the thing I found most effective. I phrase it, "Why do you ask? Is there any adoption in your family?"
This leaves an opening for people who sound rude but are just awkwardly trying to make a connection between your adoption and their adoption. If they say, "Yes," I immediately ask them a bunch of questions. By the time we get to talking about Cloud again, I know all about the adoption in their family.
If they have none, it puts them in a big spotlight as a clueless, ignorant person who is just being nosy, and suddenly they're less aggressive. Sometimes they still want to talk but become more polite about it. Sometimes they extricate themselves in a hurry. Either way, you are now in control.
However, I may have encountered fewer brash people than you have, and I've only gotten to try out this technique twice so far. I got one who wanted to talk anyway and one who hurried away. I don't know what other reactions people have. If they continue to be aggressive, I think it's okay to walk away yourself and then say to the kids, "Oh dear, that person sure was rude."
Very well said. I am sorry that some 'less than enlightened' people have made just a blessed, joyful thing frustrating.
I believe that turning the question on them is a good option.
Mei Mei is beautiful and with the family God planned for her.
Lisa Q
No flippin' way! People can be soooo rude and nosy too! I will hold them down so you can slap them around! Hang in there!
Amen sister - preach on!
And yes, Mei Mei is absolutely perfect (and stunningly beautiful) just as she is...
Amen sista!!!
My daughter, the mother of triplets gets comments too. One man asked me if they were real and I finally had enough and told him, 'No, they are plastic.'
Other comments, 'I would kill myself if I were you.' Then I am glad you are not. 'Did you undergo fertility treatments?' My sex life is private.
'I'm glad it wasn't me.' Please don't talk about my family that way.
When they were really small and in a triplet stroller, she always made me push and I learned early to walk fast and avoid eye contact.
When we had 7 foster kids, plus our three, it would be; 'Are they all yours?' The children would look at me and I would simply smile and say, 'They all are for now.'
There is obviously a difference between someone who is seeking info about adoption or about IFV and those who are simply nosy...
Mei Mei is absoultely beautiful! Adoption has blessed your family and those around you. I understand the intrusive questions and the ignorant ones as well. Sometimes, reigning in the momma bear is a hard thing to do. I'll be praying for the situation! BTW- I'd love to get together and talk adoption sometime!
Oh gosh...we don't get much of that (small town, everybody knows us), but it's really hard in front of the kids. You will handle it!
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