I knew today would come...

From the very first moment I knew Mei Mei was to become my daughter, I knew today would come.  The day she would be scheduled for surgery.  It's not like it comes as a complete shocker.  A news flash.  The first I've ever heard of it.  Nope.  I've known all along.  Cleft affected children require multiple surgeries throughout their young life.  I am well aware.  So why do I want to hide under a pillow and pretend I don't know?

Don't get me wrong.  I don't disagree with her Plastic Surgeon.  I completely trust Dr. K and his recommendations.  I spent years taking care of his surgical patients as a nurse in the PCCU at our local Children's Hospital.  He is a wonderful man with an excellent reputation.  I don't doubt his expertise.  I simply hate it is even necessary.

Simply, radiantly beautiful she is.  Her smile lights up a room.  Her laugh is contagious.  She is perfect in every way regardless of what the world might say.  Today.  On the day I became her Mommy.  On the day she was born.  She was and is perfect.  We love her exactly the way God created her. 

However, I know we can't ignore what she is starting to realize when she looks in the mirror.  She doesn't need this for us.  This isn't about us.  It's about her.  It's about what my 4 year old sees in her reflection.  Quite frankly, some of the things she has said over the past six months have stopped me in my tracks.  She is 4.  FOUR!  No one has said these things to her.  She is saying them to herself.  At FOUR years old.  As her Mommy, I want her to be proud of who she is.  I want her to be comfortable in her own skin.  I don't want her to care what the world thinks but I've lived long enough to know she will.  Thus the reason we need to move forward.  For her... 

She has no idea what is coming.  I am making an appointment with Child Life to help us explain everything to her in an age appropriate way.  I'm not sure we can truly prepare her for this but we'll try as best we can for her sake.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't more than a little anxious.  I've handed my first born off to anesthesia...twice...and wondered if he would return to me in the way he left.  It is a vivid memory.  Quite frankly, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I don't WANT to do that again but I know that option isn't the right one for her.

Dr. K's first available opening is Wednesday, June 20.  She will have several procedures done while under anesthesia with the most extensive being the grafting of cartilage from her rib cage to be used to reshape the cleft affected side of her nose.  She will be in surgery 4+ hours and spend 5-7 days in the hospital for recovery and adequate pain management.  To be perfectly honest, the timing stinks.  We've asked for the first available cancellation between now and then but there are no guarantees.  If we wait until June 20 we will probably need to delay travel for Little Buddy until Mei Mei is on the mend.  It is hard enough leaving healthy children for two weeks.  Leaving one of my babies to recover from surgery without Mommy and Daddy?  Not in a million years. Leaving my other baby on the other side of the world any longer than we already have?  Well, that's not optimal either. 

I know God loves our family more than I do.  I know He already has the details of the next six months of our lives worked out in great detail.  The timing.  The surgery.  The hospital stay.  The childcare at home.  The recovery.  The travel to China.  The finances.  The childcare at home... again.  The transition.  The attachment.  The grafting of a new family member.  Yes, our plates are full.  Ugh.  Yes.  They are.  I am reminding myself that God's timing is always perfect.  Really.  It is.  Even when it doesn't feel perfect... it doesn't change that fact.  We'll figure it all out as we go.  I'm getting much better at wingin' it these days.  Well, some days.  Prayers welcomed and appreciated.