China Day 7: The Unexpected

Yesterday did not go as originally planned.  As I read that sentence I can't help but chuckle beneath my tears.  That is the most understated thing I've said all year.  However, we are trying to make lemonade despite the uncertainty that looms over us right now.  In a few hours we will meet with the Ch-eye-nese official who chose not to proceed with the official adoption registration yesterday.  What that means is in the eyes of China he is still an orphan and not our son.  Please know this was her choice--not ours.

If I didn't know better I would be scared out of my mind they are going to take him away.   And because I am sitting in the middle of a country in which I have ZERO control or say so as to what they decide, I am... a little.  BUT.  It doesn't make sense.  Why would God orchestrate every single detail--and hand our caboose to us in a THOMAS THE TRAIN SHIRT--to in the end take him away.  I am NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT.  It's as if that one little sign, in addition to all the others over the past nine months, is the answer we needed in advance.  Trust me.  I'm in this.  I want to believe that is true.   

Today we were asked the dreaded question every adoptive parents hopes they never hear.  I know it happens but I never thought WE would ever be asked that question.  The Chief and I had a heart to heart and we are both in complete agreement.  We don't know WHAT is going on but we know God asked us to be his family in each and every detail.  For us, walking away now is like saying we trusted when we thought things would be easy but now that it's hard we've change our minds.  We agree that the trauma from that decision would be more for our family than the trauma of bringing home a little one with unknowns.  Our children would be devastated.  And what would we be teaching them?  Sorry, little one, you aren't perfect enough for OUR family.  Or the fact that we've talked over and over about how Daddy and Mommy feel certain that God has asked us to be his family.  What would we say?  Oh we think God changed his mind?  Just forget about him and let's move on with our little suburban life.  I know adoptive parents have to make decisions like this often.  Decisions based upon their families at home, finances, etc.  I know and everyone's decision in the end may be different.  For us, this is our line in the sand.  We were his family in our hearts on October 25 and nothing changes that. 

As a parent there is no feeling more helpless than not being able to help your child.  Holding a limp completely lifeless baby while he is unresponsive...in the middle of CHINA!!!  Where is my bag and my mask and Marek and drugs and ........... once again being a nurse is not always a good thing.  My mind goes to places I don't need to go.  Then I have to come back to what I know is certain.  Does he need a Mommy and Daddy to love him?  Does he need medical care he may not receive here?  Do we know we are his family?  The answer to all of these questions is yes.  Leaving without him is not a choice. 

He is pure joy.  His smile lights up the room.  His laugh, which we heard within 5 minutes of holding him, melts my heart.  He calls me Mama and the Chief Baba (Daddy in Chinese).  He loves his big brother so much already.  When I think of how many people he has already lost in his life I can't help but cry the ugly cry.  I don't want to be added to the list.  I want to be his Mommy no matter what. 

I have to believe this official wants what is best.  Why would she send him back to an orphanage if he has two people who are willing to be his family despite the events of yesterday and a few paperwork discrepancies.  I have to believe she will hear the heart of a Father who has followed the Lord's lead since October.  He is such a good man and I have to believe she will see that.  I have to believe she will see the love I already have for this little one.  Perhaps she is a Mother herself and she can understand my heart despite the language and cultural divide.  And surely she can see the joy that radiates from his smile.  Why would she want to send him back if he has all of that and more?  Please pray this woman will hear our hearts and know we will do exactly as we promise.  We will give him the medical care he needs when we get home.  We will love him exactly the way God made him no matter what. 

I know there are hundreds of people praying for us this morning.  We are believing God already has this all worked out.  We are believing because we know His word says that all things work together for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose.  This is His purpose for our family.  We believe it with our whole hearts.  Until someone demands us to do otherwise we are never ever letting him go.

We will update when we know more.

Much love,
M and J