Here we go... again...

NEVER in a million years did I think I would ever type those words.  Here we go... AGAIN.  Do you know how much my heart is bursting with joy tonight?  Here we go... AGAIN!  In a few hours we are boarding a plane to China.  Me.  The Chief.  The Wild Man.  On a plane.  To China.  Together.  Not for a vacation or a mission trip.  Nope.  Not this time.  We are boarding a plane to China to meet our Little Buddy!  I can honestly say I am still in pure shock and awe.  Disbelief.  We're going to China for our SON!  UN. BE. LIEVABLE.  (spoken in my best Fancy Grace voice--that's for you Lisa).

I remember the night before we left for China to meet Mei Mei.  While everyone else slept I sat behind this computer screen and poured out my heart.  I still can't read that post without a lump in my throat.  It was a written avalanche of emotion.  I was completely overwhelmed with fear and joy all rolled into one crazy Momma.  Tonight I just feel eerily calm.  Don't get me wrong.  I still have fear and joy all rolled into one crazy Momma.  It just feels different this time.  Apprehension, joy and yet a sense of peace. 

For me the hardest part of this process is leaving half of my heart on this side of the world.  It is, and always will be, my ONLY reservation in the process of international adoption.  If you are a parent you can understand where I'm coming from.  Yes, attachment and bonding are HARD.  Grafting together as a family is HARD.  Leaving my beautiful princesses behind for a total of 14 nights?  Almost more than this Momma can handle.  Yes, I've done it before but I can assure you it isn't any easier this time.  God is still the same God.  He still loves my family more than I can comprehend.  But. I am not perfect and will not pretend to be.  Leaving my girls breaks my heart.  As in rips it out and stomps it into a million pieces.  As in it brings about the ugly cry.  The one with the uncontrollable sobbing and the red face and the shaking.  Be thankful you aren't here with me at this moment.  There are a few who have experienced said cry so they can attest to the name.  It's not pretty.  Thankfully the only one who is seeing me at this moment is the same One who orchestrated this whole thing from beginning to end.  I think He is big enough to handle little ole me and my Mommy tears.  I may be afraid but I know in my heart we are doing what is good and true and right.  As my sweet friend Colleen reminded me last week, just because we do what God asks us to do doesn't mean it will always be easy.  Sooooo true.  Lord, I know I've asked this before but I'm going to ask once more.  PLEASE wrap your big arms of comfort and peace around my baby girls.  Keep all of us safe.  Give them patience and perseverance each day.  Please remind them that YOU are their strength...not Mommy and Daddy.  Please remind them that we LOVE them with every ounce of who we are.  Please give them hearts of compassion through their new brother and bring us all back together as a family of six. SIX!!!  Oh my goodness... SIX...  Amen.

Thankfully my sweet girls will not be hanging out on their own for the next 14.5 days.  They will be spending their days on Camp Womble Girl Adventure.  I know they are going to have a BLAST!  What a blessing it is to have people in our lives who are willing to do WHAT. EVER needs to be done while we are away.  We have had several generous offers and we are SO grateful.  Friends who have said nothing is too much... tell us what to do... we will do it.  Do you know what a relief it is to have that?  To know you don't have to worry about your children because you know every single one of them will do exactly what they said they would do with joy?  ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS blessing from God. To each of you... those who are and those who offered... THANK YOU!  Words can not express our gratitude so I will not try at this moment or I will certainly combust into the ugly cry.  Again.  Please meet them where they are and love them as if they were born to you for this time. 

In a few hours I'm boarding a plane with the two most important men in my life to meet the third most important "little buddy" in my life.  If you haven't read Jack's story, you should.  Not because we are searching for accolades.  We aren't.  We're a regular every day family just like yours.  You should read it because it's one big jigsaw puzzle that our amazing God put together all by Himself.  Do you know how many prayers I prayed for this day?  Do you know how many tears I cried truly knowing and BELIEVING God had another child for our family but someone hadn't "gotten the memo" yet.  ;)  Do you know how He answered my prayer so OBVIOUSLY even the man who said "NO MORE!" put his YES on the table.  He got the memo loud and clear on October 13 and we are boarding a plane one day short of 9 months later.  How's that for a "paper pregnancy".  And you know what?  I can't take any credit for it whatsoever.  Nope.  God didn't need my "help" thankyaverymuch.  :)  He did it all on His own.  Thank you Lord for asking me to wait even when I didn't understand.  Otherwise this might've been MY story but now it will always belong to YOU. 

Did you know my first born has prayed for a little brother for SIX years?  SIX YEARS! The first words out of his mouth when we showed him Jack's picture for the first time?  "God heard my prayer, Mommy"!!  Oh yes, the ugly cry showed up at that moment.  How could we NOT allow him to be there on the day God answers his prayer?  What could be more special than that?  Our hope is that God would use our time in China to bond our sons together forever.  We also pray God would use the next two weeks to give Jonathan a heart of compassion for those who need His love and grace.  Will you pray that with me? 

9 months ago we had ZERO dollars in our Mei Mei adoption account.  There were no dollars because we were most certainly NOT adopting again!  WHY would we need any dollars in there?  We stepped out in this journey with a completely empty adoption nest egg and watched in amazement as God filled it month by month. He provided in ways we never imagined.  We scrimped.  We saved.  We sold.  We found unexpected checks in the mail.  We humbly accepted even when it HURT to do so.  We learned things about ourselves, our pride and our dependence upon Someone and something so much bigger than us.  We were reminded that when He quietly whispered "I can do BOTH", He meant it.  It was Him.  All Him.  While I am hesitant to share this story, I truly feel it is too big not to share.  We set up a tax deductible account with Village to Village International for those with the desire to contribute to our travel expenses to bring Jack home.  As most of you know there are MANY fees and expenses associated with international adoption from start to finish but we designated THIS specific account through VtoV for in-China travel expenses only (hotels, facilitator fees, transportation, orphanage visit, etc).  For 4 people x 11 days, our in-China travel bill came to $4490.  The amount in our account on the day the bill came?  $4527!!!!!  God knows I'm a details kind of girl, doesn't He?  Thankfully He's been in the details from day one.  :)       

At this moment there is a little boy on the other side of the world who will soon be our son.  He doesn't care about the details as much as his type A Mommy does.  He has no idea how much his life is about to change.  That's another heartbreaker for me.  This is not my first rodeo so I know what the weeks to come may entail.  I won't lie.  I'm in limbo.  If you walked the road of Mei Mei's adoption from day one you know why.  A grieving child brings heart break to everyone involved.  I can't help but play the what-if game.  What if he rejects me too?  What if this is a repeat...same song different verse?  What if?  I know I can't go there.  I know.  So Jay and I have chosen, together, to choose joy even when uncertainty looms.  I will just keep praying it will be different and hoping for an easy transition for our little guy.  They do exist as I've witnessed several over the past year within our circle of friends.  Selfishly, I guess I want it to exist for us too but I know there are no guarantees.  Please pray for our little Jack.  He is leaving behind all he has ever known with only the clothes on his back.  Let's pray for more smiles than frowns.  More laughter than tears.  We have not because we ask not, right?  So I'm asking...

I wonder how I ended up here?  I mean, REEEAAAALLLLLY?  HOW did I get here?  Lord, why did you choose me?  Why did you choose me to pour out these blessings into my life?  My life could look SO different today but you had plans for me I couldn't fathom as a little girl.  Every heartache and failure.  Every broken dream.  You saw all of them and you've redeemed them one by one.  Thankful doesn't even begin to describe where my heart is tonight.  To have a husband who I am certain will love You AND me for all eternity.  The blessing of becoming a Mother in two different yet equal ways.  Two babies who grew beneath my heart--who I held in my arms in their first moments of life.  Two babies who grew in my heart--who were born to another yet I have the privilege of being the one they call Mommy.  I do not deserve these blessings.  Yet I am grateful You chose to give me the desires of my heart.  I will never know how to express the gratitude I feel but I will spend the rest of my days praising and delighting in You for the blessings you have gifted to me. 

So, here we go... AGAIN!  The alarm will come soon and there is still much to do.  I have to say goodbye to my girls.  Oh Lord........give me the strength.  Three years later and goodbye's are still not my thing.  M and M... we love you around the moon and back to China a million times.  Remember to say your prayers.  Use your kind words and your manners.  Be patient and have FUN on you "Camp Womble Girls Adventure".  We will see you in 14 sleeps with your new brother by our side.  That moment can't come soon enough for this Momma.

First, I have to circumnavigate the globe with the men in my life.  Actually, I would love to skip the part about flying 15 hours and 50 minutes one way on a plane shooting through the sky at 550 mph.  Flying will never be my favorite part of this process but it's necessary nonetheless.  Me, the Chief and the Wild Man...  $10 to the person who can guess how many times my boys ask "Are we there yet?"  That includes the big guy and the little guy.  I'll be keeping a tally.  ;)  Also, please pray for those very brave and talented people pushing buttons in the nose of the plane.  Mouths closed.  Eyes open.  No arguing and overshooting the runway, thankyaverymuch.

It only seems fitting to end this post with the lyrics posted on my facebook page the day we said YES to Little Buddy.  Only a handful of people knew the meaning behind these words at the time.  They resonated with my heart that life changing day and they remain true for me in this moment...

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

-What Faith Can Do by Kutless

Next stop... Hong Kong, China! 

Love to all,
M