As of a few hours ago, we are 9 days AC. I feel as if life in general is being viewed through a lens of BC/AC (BC=before China and AC=after China). I have received many emails and messages this week checking in on us and I appreciate every last one. If I have not replied or returned your call, it's not personal. We have had to refocus around here as we adjust to life with a very sad and grieving toddler who has lost so much in such a short time. I plan to go back and post about the last 9 days, including the airport, which so many have asked about. I am still waiting on one last set of pictures but it may be a while before I have my hands on them.
As for MeiMei, I'm not really in a place where I am ready to share. Honestly, I'm not sure how to put it all into words. The day will come. At this moment I hope it comes sooner rather than later. I wish I had been more prepared. I thought I was. I wasn't delusional. I knew this would be difficult. I recognized the challenges and felt equipped. What I have come to realize in the last 19 days is you can't anticipate and thus fully prepare for such uncharted waters.
There is a song by Matthew West I fell in love with the first time I heard it. For the past 19 days, I have been singing this song to MeiMei. It doesn't remotely resemble a lullaby but the lyrics have taken on new meaning for me. BC it was a song written to ME. AC it is my song to MeiMei. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be singing it to her...maybe weeks or months or heaven forbid years. I don't know. What I know is her sky fell down on September 14. Right now, more than ANYTHING, I wish I knew how to make it turn blue again.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Finding our Way...
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23 comments:
my dear friend....this reminds me of some of my earliest posts:O and i will be honest there are days that even after 6 months i feel unprepared for what i thought i was prepared for. what i will say that your highs get higher and your lows aren't quite as low with each passing day. i need to get to bed but i need to email you a link to a show i just listened too. when you are ready it may help you.
I pray and think about you daily...kinda weird for a stranger, huh?
I think I know a little bit how you feel. A couple of years ago we welcomed a 6 year-old foster child into our home for a year. Although it was a great experience and we loved Zada to pieces...I was completely unprepared for what we experienced.
Even though we were giving this child a new home full of love, support, security, etc. I failed to think about the sadness she felt leaving her previous living conditions (despite the horrible one she was living in...it was all she knew).
Stay strong.
Awww that song made me cry! I've been following your blog through another blog I was reading and I just want to say what an amazing family you all are! It must be very hard for Mei Mei but there will come the day where she will look you in the eyes and 'know' you are here 'forever mommy!' Just be patient and I pray this transition will be less hard on Mei Mei! God Bless!
*hugs*
It does sound so, so hard. Much harder than anything AwesomeCloud is putting us through. I think you are wise to wait before describing the emotional turmoil you're experiencing. Some things are for your family only, or at least should be carefully considered before sharing. Your friends are here for you, all rooting and praying for you. Hang in there. Maybe she'll love you just as passionately someday.
I want you to know that you have been heavy on my heart. My heart aches with you - I do know what it is like to have all familiar taken from you - but at a later age. You must have such deep feelings that you do not feel free to share. Please do not be ashamed of doubting and wondering. As women, we dream and in our dreams all is perfect. We have a vision of how we perceive things in our future will be. Right now you may be disappointed that things are not as you hoped but when you take away that 'D' in disappointment, you have 'HISappointment.' God led you to Molly. In His time.
I am praying for ALL of you.
Praying for you, Mei Mei and the rest of your family! Praying for the healing of broken hearts.
Hi there--
I am a fellow Xingfu mama--brought home our Hope in April 2008--and I just want to give you a big huge cyber ((hug)). I too felt unprepared for the intensity of Hope's love for her caregivers--and her panic and sadness at having to go with us. She rejected my husband completely--but now they have slowly (with alot of work and patience) grown to love each other as father and daughter. He had many times in the last year and a half that he questioned whether he could fully love her--due to being so rejected in China--and for a time afterwards. It takes time--it takes your daughter learning to trust that this is permanent. It takes alot of crying and soul searching--and you are in the hardest part--being sleep deprived--and dealing with PCS (we called it post-China shock!)
You will get there--all of you will--and in your darkest days--look to us that have walked the walk--we are here. This community turns into family. Friends don't get it--but we do!!
Please e-mail if you need to talk--
dinello04@comcast.net
and hang in there--you are doing everything right---
LOTS of love and support being sent your way!!!!!
Amy
mom to 4 bio kids
and now 2 China babies!
(see--we even went back a little over a year after adopting Hope--that will tell you something!!):-)
Oh, my heart aches for you and Mei Mei. I'm praying for all of you. I know those early days are such a roller coaster of emotions and feelings. I don't think any of us were totally prepared for what it would be like when we came home. But remember that HE was. And HE is. HE's there with you, walking these very difficult early days. HE will give you the strength you need to meet Mei Mei's needs, as overhwelming as they may seem. I still, six months into our adoption, have to look to HIM each day for guidance in how to meet our Maia's needs. You're doing an amazing job. Take it one day at a time. I'm still doing that!
My prayers are with you, Mei Mei and your family. May peace come to your little one's heart very soon.
Time will help heal her wounds, and it sounds like we are in a very similar place with our Ali, home 15 days today. I too arrange my thoughts by BA/AA (before Ali/after Ali). This is our 3rd adoption and I was not prepared for the feelings & challenges I am having now! You are not alone.
Mommy,
I am not an adoption mom but I have been reading your blog and I am so very, very touched. I am touched by how much love you are pouring on MeiMei. There is absolutely nothing in the world stronger than love so MeiMei WILL come around. She is absolutely adorable. You are truely blessed with a beautiful family.
I've been thinking of you often and pray things go smoother for you. How heart wrenching watching it all play out for your daughter. I can only imagine her thoughts, but I know with time, prayer, and much love, she will be okay. Think ahead and know that she will not remember this grieving a year from now.
I'm glad you posted. Take care of Mommy.
Cheri
I don't know what to say other than I am praying for you and for MeiMei. No one ever promised us that adoption would be easy, but I believe God chose you for MeiMei and you are what she needs. She will get there. Keep singing.
Mommy, hang in there. This too shall pass. Nobody will ever be ready for this experience, and those who said they were and claim it was a piece of cake, are lying to themselves and others. I was there with you a little over a year ago, and I thought things would never be the same ever again. I doubted our choice, I doubted my love for Emma.
It will get better!!!!! This will be a memory soon, and you will look back and will not believe that it really happened.
Be strong. I have hugs coming your way.
Laura
I know where you are.... I know how you feel... I know that it will improve.... I know that it takes a lot of time and energy... but I promise.... it will get better. Thinking of you!
I'm so sorry this road has been difficult. You--all of you-- continue to be in my prayers.
continuing to pray for you and your family!
You know, I may blog about this at some point, but here is what I have actually learned in this process (and I'm talking about any adoptive family). You have no idea how long her grief is going to last. You have no idea how long things will be difficult and sleeping/eating/bathing/breathing will be hard. All you can do is take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time and God will heal that sad little soul. Not knowing is so hard and you kind of begin to feel desperate-- especially in that fog of jet lag.
You're right, you can prepare all you want, but NOTHING can prepare you for the reality that stands before you now.
I will continue to pray for you. My mom and I often think of you :)
Be blessed,
Courtney
If you have not already done so, I would urge you to seek professional help for your daughter as soon as possible. A good child psychologist will be able to give you the tools to work with MeiMei to help her with her grief and to help her develop a secure attachment.
Best Wishes (from a Mom of two China adoptees).
Thank you for sharing this...I've been thinking of you and this helps to know better how to think. Or pray. Glad you are finally home with her, however difficult that may be these days.
I am a friend of Sissy's, I just wanted to stop by and give you some encouragement....and some resources. We adopted twice from China. Our second adoption was of a 26 month old toddler who was madly loved and madly in love with her foster family and she HATED me from taking them from her and taking her life from her. It was a very depressing time for me - the rejection was completely devastating to my soul. One of my favorite books that had the most help for me at the time was "Therapeutic Parenting, its a matter of attitude" by Deborah Hague. You can buy the book from this website....and the website itself is a WEALTH of information. http://www.attachment.org/
Sometimes these type of resources just help you realize you are doing everything you can and give you that pat on the back, sometimes they give you ideas you can implement. Sometimes they just reassure you that you are not going nuts and that you can get through this. If you need to talk please feel free to email me tonya.bramblett@yahoo.com
If we need to we can even talk on the phone if you are up for it.
I really miss your {almost} daily post. I enjoy your blog very much! {It's real life!}
Hope everything is okay.
Just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and MeiMei to find your way...Hang in there!!!
Much love~Melissa
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