two excited yet anxious parents...
entered a crowded and chaotic room in southern China...
and met Mei Mei for the first time...
and as we held this precious and beautiful child in our arms for the first time...
her heart shattered into a million pieces...
and our hearts were broken in return...
we've taken teeney tiny baby steps since September 14th...
but four weeks later we are still standing at the starting gate. Tonight I was scrolling through September posts and came across the post I wrote the night before we left for China. Honestly, I've never read it. I hit publish, got in the shower, went to China and never thought of it again until tonight. Until now. I didn't realize how much of my heart I poured out into that letter. It was so raw--such an accurate description of where I was at the time. In the middle of that letter I wrote this...
...Isn't it amazing how BIG God is? Before the beginning of time He ordained THIS day. THIS child. THIS family. THIS country. THIS miracle. He planted THIS seed in my heart as a little girl before I knew where it would take me. He brought two teenagers together who happen to share THIS heart for babies all over the world without Mommy's and Daddy's. He orchestrated every last miraculous detail of THIS awe inspiring story--her story--a story I can't wait to tell the world once she is safely home in our arms. He knew THIS day would come even before she was born--before WE were born. Did I always believe THIS day would come (especially over the past year)? No. But you know what? He did. He knew even when I stopped believing. In the winter, when I desperately wanted to believe He was bigger than my fears. When I wanted to believe He had a plan but I wanted Him to tell ME the plan. When I cried myself to sleep at night wondering if all of this was in vain. You know what? He already knew about March 27. He already knew about MeiMei. He already knew her story before she took her first breath. He knows her story from this day forward and we are so humbled He chose us to be part of it. I adopted Hebrews 11:1 as my verse for MeiMei long before we ever knew her face. It says "Now faith is being sure of what we HOPE for and certain of what we do not see". Somehow we knew this was the plan He had for our family. No, we did not hope for the circumstance behind how she will become part of our family. We hoped that someday we could become the parents of a child who needed a family. In so many ways, it is my children who have helped grow my faith, each in their own way. Even before holding this child in my arms she has taught me that faith is not about God answering your prayers. It is about believing He can and He will, if He so chooses, in His own time...
...Despite the unknowns of this week, there is one thing I know for certain. MeiMei was meant to be our daughter. Whatever the next few weeks, months and even years may bring, we will face it together. As a family. I pray she will feel the love we have to share with her and want to accept it. I have faith the One who created her will heal her heart. It will take time but I believe it will happen eventually...
I wish I had dozens of smiling Mei Mei photos to share. I wish I had any photos to share but since I've only picked up my camera once in the past two weeks I have none to showcase. I haven't missed them. There haven't been any to capture. I wish I had gushy stories to tell of bonding and snuggles and eskimo kisses. But I don't. I know so many of you are coming back to read the "happy ending" but right now the only happy ending is that MeiMei is here with her forever family. I don't have much more than that and I'm not going to pretend everything is coming up roses. That would be a lie. I know we have a long road ahead of us but we have to have faith that it will come. Wasn't that her verse? Now faith is being sure of what we HOPE for and certain of what we do not see? No longer are we hoping for her physically. Now we are hoping for her emotionally to show us a glimpse of the real MeiMei. Not the sad, broken hearted little girl she is today. I believe He will equip us with what we need to heal her broken heart. It will come. I must believe it will come, but in the meantime, please continue to pray for Mei Mei and the rest of the Womble 5.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Four weeks ago today...
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11 comments:
They will come. Then you will see the evidence of perhaps 'dis'appointment becoming 'HISappointment. In HIS time. You are still on my heart. I am still praying.
Your honesty is a beautiful thing. So many people "make-up" their happy stories trying desperately to ignore the truth before them. You will overcome, and this too shall pass because you are facing it with honesty, integrity and with the most powerful weapon of all - our Lord and Savior. Hebrews 11:1 was my verse for my baby girl too - both before she came into my arms and SO MUCH more after she was put into my arms. We faced mountains that were incredibly big, too big for me to climb. Everyone said "God only gives you what you can handle." I replied "No, He has given me way MORE then I can handle but He is willing to carry it for me." He will too if you let him. Doesn't mean your heart won't break and it doesn't mean your beautiful new baby girl's heart won't break. It does mean that in those broken moments a new family is being created one that will be far better then your dreams and your design. Those precious pictures will come, those giggle moments and sweet stories will live to be told right now you are creating the canvas in which they can exist. Here is a truth for you from our story. We had been home 3 months, life was a wreck. My middle adopted child had regressed beyond regression my newly adopted child still loathed me and I didn't have warm gosshy feelings toward her (I wanted to but they simply didn't exist.) She was completely potty trained but when she was angry at me she chose to have potty wars - peeing in the middle of my sofa was her war destination that day. I was so angry because she did it staring at me with a look of hate and I just couldn't help but recall I had done for this child. The trouble I went through to bring her home.....the selfish tyrade went on and on in my mind. I got out a diaper and she screamed bloody murder at me, she fought me with her whole 17lbs self like she was fighting to the death. She was not going to wear that diaper. My anger was not replaced with compassion it just ignited to the point that I threw the diaper at her and asked my oldest daughter to watch the girls. I went for a run and had visions of falling in front of a semi, it would look like an accident but I would be relieved of life...and at this point life was more then I could bear. I was thoroughly depressed. My run helped me to calm my spirit and regain some control as I cried out to God the whole time. I accused him, I screamed at Him, I begged Him, and then I apologized and asked for forgiveness and the load became lighter. It didn't miraculously change when I got home - she still loathed me and I didn't have warm fuzzies for her right away. I did begin feeling more compassion and looking through her eyes rather then "All I had done." Which was not a great deal after all compared to all she had been through. Another truth...this very child is the most loving, adoring Mommy's girl one would ever meet. She is the dreamiest child. She is full of spontanious love, kisses and hugs. She is obedient, smart, beautiful and 110% my baby girl. I have every warm gooshy fuzzy feeling when I look into her lovely little face and her return gaze is filled with that same warm gooshy feeling. I am praying for you. I am so grateful you are facing all of this with honesty, you are charting your path so someday you can look back and see baby steps, leaps and healing.
I am praying for you... Just a suggestion-Have you tried holding time? We used it with our oldest who was anxious attached and actually wouldn't let me out of her sight. If she got overstimulated, she would go into rages. The first couple of times, she cried for an hour and raged all the while I calmly told her I loved her. She FINALLY relaxed and snuggled in to me, and we saw an almost immediate change in her demeanor that lasted for days. I was just thinking it might help in the long run. Beware, it is NOT for the faint at heart, and you have to commit to it until she relaxes, looks you in the eyes, and is calm.
Now occasionally, we go to our holding time chair (she's 5) because she loves to have alone connection with mommy and it's our place to chat. So it isn't punative at all.
Anyway, don't know that it will be helpful, but thought I'd thow out a suggestion that worked for us.
Hang in there- God has not given you more than you can bear!
HUGS!
Sending lots of prayers and love your way. Keep reading what you posted before you left for China. Hold fast to your faith and hope. Much love, Cindy
Your family is in our prayers. Thank you for being honest and sharing this beautiful story. Because God has trusted her with your family, I know that all things will work out.
So sorry to hear things are still rocky. Hang in there!
You all continue to be in my prayers. I look forward to the day I read great stories of peace and happiness in the Womble home. How is brother and sister doing with it? Thinking of you,
Kara
"but right now the only happy ending is that MeiMei is here with her forever family."
I keep reading these words over and over. They are powerful. There is a happy ending right now...she is with her forever family, and her forever family loves and adores her even through these tough times. And there will be an even bigger happy ending when one day (hopefully soon) that wall she has built comes down and your house is filled with the sound of Mei Mei's laughter. In the meantime, I'm thinking of and praying for you and your family. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I know it can't be easy. I thank you for your honesty and know I'd be feeling the exact same things in your shoes. You are handling it all beautifully. You are a great mom...I can tell.
I am sooo soory you have been sick. That's just awful.
I haven't stoped praying for you.
Your story and your honesty have really been a boon to me. I want to thank you for that.
reading of your struggles has made me be a kinder mom these last few weeks. I am very aware.
prayers and hugs and some sunshine too!
:)
It WILL come. And, honestly, before we adopted LilyJoy, these were the stories I wanted to hear. Good for you for sharing and being real. PAP's need to know what is real. And yet, there is also hope.
I hope you're feeling better, my friend.
Be blessed,
Courtney
I just love reading your updates. I am thinking of you and sending lots of love your way. You are a wonderful and loving Mommy. Hang in there!
Love,
Amy Castro
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